Coming Out
Today is National Coming Out Day.
I've
been thinking a lot about coming out in the past week or so. I got a
call from a young man I hardly knew. I had only met him
a couple of times over the years but found him to be so energetic, full
of life and promise. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I always knew
this call would come. I think I hoped it would.
From
the moment we met, I knew something about him without being told. I
guess you could say, "It takes one to know one." And I have
impeccable gaydar. And no, I don't think everyone is gay.
So,
he called and we've talked and talked for the past ten days. And we've
laughed, cried and compared notes on growing up gay in similar,
while at the same time very different, circumstances. My friend is on
his journey of coming out.
Coming
out was a most terrifying prospect for me. When you've hidden a part
of yourself since childhood, the fear grows with the years.
I remember coming home on the school bus and putting in my Barry
Manilow cassette and playing All the Time, over and over.
All the time I thought, "there's only me,
Crazy in a way that no one else could be”
I would have given everything I own
If someone would have said "you're not alone"
All the time I thought that I was wrong
Wanting to be me but needing to belong
If I'd've just believed in all I had
If someone would have said "you're not so bad"
I
didn't come out until my early 30s. I started with the people whose
potential rejection mattered the least to me. Close family came
last. My parents were the last to know. I listened to the advice of a
wise therapist and tried to believe him when he told me that for most
people coming out as gay to family quickly becomes no big deal. He was
right. Sure there was an awkward time of
learning and adjustment but soon everybody realized that I was still
me. Except I am a much better me. I stopped living in fear. I was no
longer constantly sick. as I had often been with chronic sore throats
and stomach troubles. I wasn't hiding behind
the closet door anymore.
There
are well-known maladies that often share the closet space with its
inhabitant: Self-disgust, self-hatred, low self-esteem, negative
self-view, chronic depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder,
alcohol/drug abuse, and suicidal thoughts. The closet can be a
dangerous and even deadly place.
I
was constantly restless, never staying in one place. Looking back at
those last four or five years in the closet. I think I moved
to a different country or state every year. Since coming out, I've
lived in the same zip code for almost 20 years. I've worked for the
same firm for 18 years.
My
fears about coming out were mostly unfounded. I can't say that I've
lost any friends. Well, maybe two. And those two are a blip.
And those two are toxic people who were not really my friends.
Coming
out just doesn't change the person coming out. It changes the person's
friends and family. As Harvey Milk said, by coming out
we "break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions" that are
believed about gay people. I've marveled at what advocates my family
has become for all marginalized people.
It
can also help others who are closeted watching. The young man who
called me didn't know me well but he knew I'd come out and survived
and more than survived. Thrived.
I've
seen tragic results of not coming out. I had a friend that I'd known
since we were both teenagers. My gaydar was right about
him. We never talked about it until we were both into our 40s. We
didn't have much contact after college. FaceBook brought us back into
contact with each other. He was living a miserable life.
I
invited him to spend the weekend with me in New York. We did all the
things he wanted to do in NYC. We saw Broadway shows, ate the
biggest steak at Peter Luger’s, and just enjoyed a renewed friendship.
He went to church with me and was shocked that they actually had me, an
out, gay man, leading parts of worship.
When he left, he cried really hard and said it was the best weekend he'd ever had. He didn't know how he was going to go back.
But
he just knew his family wouldn't accept him if he came out. He may
have been right. About a year later, he was found dead at home.
He drank himself to death. It appears that he did come out to one
family member. He was not accepted as he was.
Most
of the people reading this don't need to come out. But you may have
someone in your life that does need to come out to you. You
can be vital to a loved one who is coming out. You can be the kind of
person someone would feel safe coming out to. Are you? Do you make
jokes and derogatory gay jokes? Do you talk about "that lifestyle?"
Just stop. There may be a good reason someone
is reluctant to bare his or her soul to you. A little self-examination
goes a long way.
Coming
out doesn't solve everything. My young friend has some hurdles to jump
over as a result of living in the closet, as he goes
through the process of living authentically. But he's finally not
living in fear and he's found that he has so many people who love him on
his side. I'm so honored to have received that call. And my friend is
going to be great.
