Coming Out Day 2018

Coming Out

Today is National Coming Out Day.

 

I've been thinking a lot about coming out in the past week or so.  I got a call from a young man I hardly knew.  I had only met him a couple of times over the years but found him to be so energetic, full of life and promise.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, I always knew this call would come.  I think I hoped it would.

 

From the moment we met, I knew something about him without being told.  I guess you could say, "It takes one to know one."  And I have impeccable gaydar.  And no, I don't think everyone is gay.

 

So, he called and we've talked and talked for the past ten days.  And we've laughed, cried and compared notes on growing up gay in similar, while at the same time very different, circumstances.  My friend is on his journey of coming out.

 

Coming out was a most terrifying prospect for me.  When you've hidden a part of yourself since childhood, the fear grows with the years.  I remember coming home on the school bus and putting in my Barry Manilow cassette and playing All the Time, over and over.

 

All the time I thought, "there's only me,

Crazy in a way that no one else could be”

I would have given everything I own

If someone would have said "you're not alone"

 

All the time I thought that I was wrong

Wanting to be me but needing to belong

If I'd've just believed in all I had

If someone would have said "you're not so bad"

 

I didn't come out until my early 30s.  I started with the people whose potential rejection mattered the least to me.  Close family came last.  My parents were the last to know.  I listened to the advice of a wise therapist and tried to believe him when he told me that for most people coming out as gay to family quickly becomes no big deal.  He was right.  Sure there was an awkward time of learning and adjustment but soon everybody realized that I was still me.  Except I am a much better me.  I stopped living in fear.  I was no longer constantly sick. as I had often been with chronic sore throats and stomach troubles.  I wasn't hiding behind the closet door anymore.

 

There are well-known maladies that often share the closet space with its inhabitant:  Self-disgust, self-hatred, low self-esteem, negative self-view, chronic depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, alcohol/drug abuse, and suicidal thoughts.  The closet can be a dangerous and even deadly place.

 

I was constantly restless, never staying in one place.  Looking back at those last four or five years in the closet.  I think I moved to a different country or state every year.  Since coming out, I've lived in the same zip code for almost 20 years.  I've worked for the same firm for 18 years.

 

My fears about coming out were mostly unfounded.  I can't say that I've lost any friends.  Well, maybe two.  And those two are a blip.  And those two are toxic people who were not really my friends.

 

Coming out just doesn't change the person coming out.  It changes the person's friends and family.  As Harvey Milk said, by coming out we "break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions" that are believed about gay people.  I've marveled at what advocates my family has become for all marginalized people.

 

It can also help others who are closeted watching.  The young man who called me didn't know me well but he knew I'd come out and survived and more than survived.  Thrived.

 

I've seen tragic results of not coming out.  I had a friend that I'd known since we were both teenagers.  My gaydar was right about him.  We never talked about it until we were both into our 40s.  We didn't have much contact after college.  FaceBook brought us back into contact with each other.  He was living a miserable life.

 

I invited him to spend the weekend with me in New York.  We did all the things he wanted to do in NYC.  We saw Broadway shows, ate the biggest steak at Peter Luger’s, and just enjoyed a renewed friendship.  He went to church with me and was shocked that they actually had me, an out, gay man, leading parts of worship.

 

When he left, he cried really hard and said it was the best weekend he'd ever had.  He didn't know how he was going to go back.

 

But he just knew his family wouldn't accept him if he came out.  He may have been right.  About a year later, he was found dead at home.  He drank himself to death.  It appears that he did come out to one family member.  He was not accepted as he was.

 

Most of the people reading this don't need to come out.  But you may have someone in your life that does need to come out to you.  You can be vital to a loved one who is coming out.  You can be the kind of person someone would feel safe coming out to.  Are you? Do you make jokes and derogatory gay jokes?  Do you talk about "that lifestyle?"  Just stop.  There may be a good reason someone is reluctant to bare his or her soul to you.  A little self-examination goes a long way.

 

Coming out doesn't solve everything.  My young friend has some hurdles to jump over as a result of living in the closet, as he goes through the process of living authentically.  But he's finally not living in fear and he's found that he has so many people who love him on his side.  I'm so honored to have received that call.  And my friend is going to be great.